I know you. I know what you do. Maybe, some day, you'll do your thing where you check up on people, and you'll find this. Maybe not. It's worth a shot.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for hurting you for so long. I wanted to be loved. I loved you. At the time I write this, it's been a few months, but it still hurts. Part of me really hopes it will hurt forever. This will remind me of what I have done, what I have lost. Also, the hurt let's me know I still love someone. Because you were the only one. Ever.

I'm self-destructive. I can't stop it yet. I tried, like hell. It wasn't enough. I would love to just conveintely lay this at the feet of my father, but I'm smart enough to realize what I'm doing. I just can't stop it.

I don't think I'm supposed to be with other people. I take too much, and I don't give enough back. I don't trust anyone. I lie compulsively, to the point where I'm no longer sure what parts of me are real.

I ended what we had because I was stupid. That was only part of the reason. I was afraid of investing our relationship further and ending it. That was another.

I could never be what you needed. I don't know if I will ever mature to a point where I can grit my teeth and do the things I don't want to do, but are neccessary for an adult life.

I'm not a functional person. I'm hiding from some very, very bad things. Right now, I can feel them swarming deep in my mind, but I'm not ready to let them out. Any relationship or endeavor I undertake in this state is doomed to failure. I can't change until I am willing to face the truth of who I am.

There are some truths. I love you. I loved you the night I feel asleep with you in my lap. I loved you at that stupid Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. I love you as I type this. It might be stupid idealism, but I feel like I might never stop loving you. I was never, ever happy, Sha'Noel. Not until I met you. You made me happy. You made me feel like I could be a normal person, and trust people, and be happy. But I wasn't strong enough to run with that. I let the old poisons in, and went to work.

I ended what we had because I was afraid of hurting you further. I was afraid that you were going to waste your life on me, and miss out on a better life. I still believe this.

I called you crazy a few times. That was bullshit. You aren't crazy. You have your problems, but you sought help. You took medicine that hurt you, and I know you did it for me. I never, ever, ever doubted your love for me.

But it wasn't enough. What can I say? I wish it had been. There was a long amount of time where I was certain it would have to be. I spent many nights unable to sleep, dreaming of a beautiful girl who seek me out, love me unconditionally, not give a fuck that I was ugly or fat. This girl would transform me into someone better, and we would be in love forever and live happily ever after.

You came into my life, and it was a miracle. I got what I had secretly prayed for. And it just didn't work.

I know such a thing will never happen again.

We can't get back together. Ever. I think I'm going to go away soon, and see if I can maybe make myself better. I don't really know if I can. But I have to go away. I lost you, I'm very lonely and sad, and now my dad is back in rehab. I couldn't even kill myself when I tried.

I love you, Sha'Noel Jones. Please, please, please know that. I said I was sorry a lot in our relationship, and I know it was just my attempt at a quick fix. But I say it now, and I want you to understand: I am so sorry that I hurt you. I should have been your knight in shining armor, but I'm crazy and fucked up and not a good a person. You've had such a hard life, and you are still so amazing, and all I did was make it worse for you.

But I love you so much. I remember the things that were, and I hurt in a way I've never felt before ever. I think of buttoning up your coat in the alley, the darkness all around us, on our way to blockbuster or to get icecream. Walking you to the bustop through the snow on New Years Morning. Waiting in line at Applebees on Valentines Day. You taking me up to the lookoutpoint. The time we drove the wrong way on the one way street. You sleeping in my lap in the burning heat as we came into Utah. Hugging you in the middle of the night. Eating pancakes with you. Picking out Caine. Kissing you on the porch when my parents showed up, and me falling down as I ran for the van. Waiting for you to get off work. Waiting for you to come home from school. Helping you with your papers. Reading books to you. These should have been stories we told our children. If I had just managed to let go of all the shit inside of me, it would have been.

Please, be happy. Please, oh God, please. Hate me. Hate me enough to get over me and never look back. If you were searching for me, let this be the only time you do it. Find some nice guy who isn't so fucked in the head. Please. You deserve the world. Do you understand? You deserve the world. You went through hell, and you were hurt so much as a child and I contributed to that I am so sorry. Find someone good. Have three or four or five kids and love them, and treat them good. And be happy. And be warm and safe and never, ever think about me. Please. Be happy. Live to be one hundred and hug your great grandchildren. Laugh and be happy and find someone who doesn't hurt you. I want you to be happy more than anything else in the entire world, Sha'Noel. You deserve so much, you were so good to me and I'm sorry.

I'm going to try and let go, now. I've been crying every day for two months, and I've been letting my best memories turn into nightmares.

This is the goodbye I could never say in person. Goodbye, Sha'Noel. I hope you can find a person who deserves your love. I love you. My love may fade with time and memory, but I think I always will in some way. But I'm going to try and let go, and maybe, if I'm lucky, this pain will be enough to finally make me change.

I love you, Sha'Noel.
Zach Lane
Zack Lane
Zachary Lane
Alex Hurkonov

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